Only what you have not given will be what is lacking in any situation.
A narcissistic personality is always looking for perfection, which is a way of making sure that love never has a chance to blossom. Sometimes someone who has nothing to offer can come on like they are offering the world. They are so disassociated from their own feelings that they become skilled performers, unconsciously playing whatever role our fantasies prescribe. BUT, the responsibility for our pain is still our own. If we hadn’t been looking for a cheap thrill, we wouldn’t have been vulnerable to the lie. The problem isn’t that we attract these people, the problem is that we are attracted to them. We gave them our number. Our ego equates emotional danger with excitement, and claims that nice people aren’t dangerous enough.
Our barriers to love are rarely consciously chosen. Somewhere we opened our hearts and felt pain and humiliation because of it. We loved with the openness of a child, and someone didn’t care, or laughed, or punished us for it. At that moment, we decided we would never be that vulnerable again. Unfortunately, we create that which we defend against. So again and again, we create the same pain and the same result.
Women often ask, “why can’t men commit?” Men can commit; but, the women asking those questions are armored against it. Our armor is our darkness, our pain, and our wicked moments when we make the wicked comment or unfair request.
The goal of spiritual practice is full recovery, and the only thing we need to recover from is a fractured sense of self. If we don’t already believe in ourselves, another person cannot believe in us. If they believe in us and we do not believe in ourselves, we will become some dependent on their reinforcement that we proceed to show them that we are not okay after all. The reasons why we became fractured (our parents, our first loves, etc.) don’t matter; what does matter is we have decided to quit being angry, to quit being defensive. We have decided to heal.
To heal, we must forgive. Love is strength. Forgiveness is love. Peace is strength. Conflicts and conflicted behavior does not lead to peace. Forgiveness leads to peace. Each time we communicate, we are either choosing to join or choosing to separate. Choose wisely.
If we choose to separate, separate well. “Never abandon a person when leaving.” Honor the eternal relationship and ensure people are not diminished. Observe how the person you are with now, separated with his or her last relationship; that is how they will treat us. Remember, the last person isn’t your competition, he or she is your sister or brother. Our needs are not separate. If we contribute to another person’s pain, it will haunt us. If we do what we can to help them, others will be around to help us when it is our turn to feel pain. Love is not neutral. It takes a stand. It strives for peace for all involved.
CITE: Williamson, M. (1996). A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles. New York: Harper Collins Publishers.