Without understanding our relationship with our mothers, it is impossible to heal our broken pieces and recover. We have been taught to repress and deny our emotions. We have to face the truth of our experiences. As girls we were programmed to look at things in a positive light, even when we were living under a shadow. Our self-protecting denial reminded us that we had grown up with a roof over our heads, clothes to wear, and food to eat so what was our problem?
A mother sees her daughter as a reflection and extension of herself rather than as a separate person with her own identity.
She puts pressure on her daughter to act and react in the world and her surroundings in the exact manner that Mom would, rather than in a way that she feels is right for the daughter. Thus, the daughter is always scrambling to find the “right way” to respond to her mother in order to win her love and approval.
A daughter who doesn’t receive validation from her earliest relationship with her mother learns that she has no significance in the world and her efforts have no effect. She tries so hard to make a genuine connection with Mom but fails.
It’s a natural human feeling to long for a mother who loves you absolutely and completely. No daughter want to believe her mother can be callous, dishonest, or selfish. She is certainly discouraged from admitting to negative feelings about her mother. Every woman deserves to feel worthy of love. However, many grow up trying to be the “good girl” and doing the right thing. They believe if they do the right thing, they’ll earn the love and respect they crave.
Your mother does not support your healthy expression of self when it conflicts with her own needs. However, healing comes from understanding and love not blame. Early in life, it is important for children to receive attention, love, and approval, but the approval needs to be for who they are as individuals not for what their parents want them to be.
CITE: Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyn McBride, Ph.D.