Posted in leadership, women

Women Wisdom Snippets – Part Deux

One of our senior leaders retired after 39 years of federal service. Here are some of her parting reminders:

  • Everyone is a leader, treat them accordingly.
  • Hunger for wisdom, always.
  • Assume good intentions, always.
  • Act with courage, always.
  • Do the right thing, always.
  • Think about your employees when making decisions.
  • Have fun, and remember the words of George Carlin –At the end of my life, my only regret is I wasn’t kinder to people.
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Posted in leadership, self-improvement, women

Women Wisdom Snippets

Recently some friends were kind enough to hold a panel discussion at my workplace (via electronic means) for women leaders in our agency. I removed all the agency specifics, but I thought you may enjoy these bits and pieces:

  • Be your own advocate.
  • Be proactive whenever you can.
  • Decisions have to make sense for all.
  • Don’t let the culture change you, you change your culture.
  • Focus on self-issues first so you have the energy to assist others.
  • Supervisors are held to a higher level, act like it.
  • Rely on your support systems and relationships.
  • Identify who or what is causing the frustration.
    • Why is this important to you?
  • Take advantage of any work professional development dollars available.

Each one of these snippets can be great conversation starters. Do any of them speak to you?

 

 

Posted in women

10 Don’ts for Women in Relationships

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  1. Don’t fall in love too soon.
  2. Don’t sleep with him/her on the first date.
  3. Don’t buy him gifts; he’ll think you are trying to buy his affections.
  4. Don’t compromise your essential needs because of him.
  5. Don’t expect him to rescue you or fix thing.
  6. Don’t expect him to be your future or your security.
  7. Don’t swear (too much).
  8. Don’t drink (too much).
  9. Don’t share too much of yourself, your drama, or your past. Just have fun.
  10. Don’t date the unemployed, the woman hater, the alpha male, or the bad boy.

 

Posted in leadership, women

Timeless Leadership Advice

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“How do you learn what you should do? You were not born to this yet you know when you should listen, and when you should command, how to make sure that they understand you, how to make sure that they do as they are told. I didn’t know a woman could do this?”

 “A woman can rule, but she has to do it with the guidance of God and using all her sense and wisdom. It is not enough for a woman to want power, or to seek power for its own sake. She has to take the responsibility that comes with it. She has to prepare herself for power and judge wisely. She must think and care about what she does.” 

The above conversation could have been held today. However, the quote is from a book based on the 1540s relationship between King Henry VIII’s and his sixth wife. As they say, there is nothing new under the sun. What do you think about this timeless advice?

Cite: The Taming of the Queen by Philipa Gregory

From Wikipedia:  Catherine Parr (alternatively spelled Katherine or Kateryn, signed ‘Kateryn the Quene KP’) (1512[1] – 5 September 1548) wasQueen of England and of Ireland (1543–47) as the last of the six wives of King Henry VIII, and the final queen consort of the House of Tudor. She married him on 12 July 1543, and outlived him by one year. She was also the most-married English queen, with four husbands. Catherine enjoyed a close relationship with Henry’s three children and was personally involved in the education of Elizabeth and Edward, both of whom became English monarchs. She was influential in Henry’s passing of the Third Succession Act in 1542 that restored both his daughters, Mary and Elizabeth, to the line of succession to the throne.[2]

Catherine was appointed Regent from July to September 1544 while Henry was on a military campaign in France and in case he lost his life, she was to rule as regent until Edward came of age. However he did not give her any function in government in his will. In 1543, she published her first book, Psalms or Prayers, anonymously.[3] On account of Catherine’s Protestant sympathies, she provoked the enmity of anti-Protestant officials, who sought to turn the King against her; a warrant for her arrest was drawn up in 1545. However, she and the King soon reconciled. Her book Prayers or Meditations became the first book published by an English queen under her own name. She assumed the role of Elizabeth’s guardian following the King’s death, and published a second book,The Lamentations of a Sinner.

Posted in spiritual/religious, women

Daughters as mothers

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If you had an engulfing mother, you may decide that you will absolutely not being a smothering mother so much so that your child may feel ignored on some level. If you had an ignoring mother, you may decide to give your child so much attention that you end up engulfing him or her. Additionally, overpraising can been seen as fake, causing the child to feel that she or he will never measure up no matter how hard they try to gain your genuine approval. If you do not feel good enough in yourself, you’ll mirror that insecurity to the child, and he or she will end up feeling unworthy as well. Parenting isn’t easy. Being a daughter of a narcissistic mother, makes it even harder.

Daughters who did not receive empathy do not know how to give empathy to their children. Empathy is a very important parenting skill. When someone empathizes with a child, the child feels heard and more real. Healthy self-care means finding fulfillment so that you have energy, love, and empathy for others.

How to self-care?

  1. Accept your mother’s limitations and grieve that you did not have the mother you wanted
  2. Separate psychologically from your mother by reframing negative messages that you absorbed into positive one to absorb
  3. Develop and accept your own identity, feelings, and desires
  4. Deal with your mother in a different, more healthy manner
  5. Work to recognize your own narcissistic traits and refuse to pass them along to your children

 

CITE: Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyn McBride, Ph.D.

Posted in spiritual/religious, women

 She didn’t love me so I can’t love you

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It is common for daughters of narcissistic to try to fill their emotional void with inappropriate love relationships. They search in all the wrong places for people to validate them. These daughters learn love as distorted love – what they can do for others; this of course, sets up codependent relationships or, no relationship at all. After codependent relationships, many of these daughters decide on no relationship, choosing not to dance the dance at all.

Failed relationships will bring on guilt and shame, with shame being the emotion she feels most. Guilt is associated with an event that can be forgiven, but shame takes on “an all or nothing” quality. The daughter never understands that her “relationship picker” has been damaged by her damaged relationship with her mother; she simply repeats the patterns with relationships with partners over and over again. These failed relationships often cause the daughter to label herself as “damaged” or “damaged goods.”

Daughters of narcissistic mothers choose spouses who cannot fulfill their emotions needs. Their intuition tells them the relationship is not correct for them, but hope blooms inside them overriding the inner voice. They have intellectual intuition but also a deep level of deafness. They just don’t listen, they haven’t learned how to read the red flags. Until these daughters have claimed their own sense of self, she will be frightened by a competent partner who can meet her needs as she can meet hers.

 

CITE: Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyn McBride, Ph.D.

Posted in self-improvement, women

Self-Saboteur

 

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All daughters of narcissist mothers give up along the way. They were children, not seasoned warriors when they tried to fulfill their mothers’ expectations. They became overachievers to prove their mothers wrong. They choose polar opposite routes. They took the anger out on themselves becoming a self- saboteur.

The self-saboteur is the high achiever’s internal twin. Rarely does anyone of us make a conscious choice to be self-destructive. If mothers denied her own feelings, then they would not have allowed you their daughters to have any either. As an adult, you can loosen the grip of self-doubt and soften the fallout from the lack of love as a child. Do not be discouraged, recovery is possible.

Self-sabotaging behavior is not a lack of talent or skill, it in an internal struggle within you. You clearly want to do something but your internal messages say you cannot or should not. It is important to know that there are many people who do care about you. Working in recovery will indeed change your life. You can heal.

CITE: Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyn McBride, Ph.D.